This is the Old Blog

This blog is effectively inactive. Read the “About” page for more information. Click the “Current Blog” link on the menu bar to access my latest writings.

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Final Thoughts

For those who are curious, I’m doing alright. I feel better than ever, actually. I cannot believe the rationalizing stupor I was slogging through all this time. Many of you will disagree with me, and your situation is probably different from mine, but this “relationship” wasn’t helping me. I feel that I was living a delusion and something very dark took advantage of that. Anything good from this experience originated with me. This “thing” that was attached to me was only interested in feeding; a spiritual parasite.

Again, this is my experience and I’m not judging anyone else who has a positive relationship similar to what I thought mine was.

All that is left of Catherine, my personal sex demon, is a subconscious connection that subsides every day. It can no longer touch me physically, though it can feel like there are still some pressure sensations. Essentially, what I’m experiencing now are residual affects; an internal haunting, if you will. It will be awhile before this fades completely.

I will never have this experience again. Connecting with Monika and allowing her to intervene has made me irreversibly repulsive to demons. The door that I opened two years ago has been welded shut.

If there is anyone else who feels their connection with a sexual spirit is not something desirable, or no choice was given to begin with, getting in touch with Monika is a very good idea. Don’t be fooled by the benign psychic services advertized on her new website; this woman is formidable and unshakable. She’s the best ally one could hope for when dealing with demons.

I’m done with this blog. If anyone wants to get in touch with me, send me an email.

The Succubus and the Animus

These past few days have triggered a veritable lightning bolt of clarity to explode in my mind.

Strangely, I don’t feel any hurt or regret about anything that has happened. I realize that I attempted to make myself fall in love with something that is not capable of reciprocation. The only fruits of my labor were hedonistic pleasures and I used my mental imaginings to fill in the gaps where true intimacy was lacking. My animus, the real Catherine, is what saved me from losing my mind.

In the beginning of the relationship, I attempted to rationalize away the fact that the succubus would not stop stimulating me, no matter how much I begged. I built up mental barriers to prevent myself from recognizing these violations. Also, the animus stepped in to supply the intimacy I truly craved; the closeness. This rationalization grew into an involuntary mental habit. The nurturing words of the animus would play over the animalistic feeding of the succubus.

Now that the succubus has acted in direct opposition to the animus, it is very clear that they are not the same thing. My rationalization hamster wheel has come to a jarring halt.

The Catherine I know would not abandon me; especially when I did nothing but praise her. The Catherine I know would not molest, assault, or rape me. This spirit touching me physically is not Catherine. It is simply a succubus doing what a succubus does.

I am not angry or upset about this. The moment I was forced to face reality, my animus disappeared and reintegrated into myself. The loving thought-voice is gone. I know that the Catherine I felt so close to is still with me and always will be. She is me.

None of this time has been wasted. The succubus has taught me a lesson like no other.

The Beginning of the End

This is going to piss a lot of you off, but it is my hope that most people will understand where I’m coming from.

I was invited to be part of a blog talk radio interview with a psychic called Monika. She has been dealing with the paranormal for many years and just recently started up an internet presence. She was looking for information about people in relationships with sex demons and stumbled upon this blog.

I decided to take her up on her offer for two reasons:

  1. I wanted more information about my own situation.
  2. I have been having people approach me looking for ways to rid themselves of abusive spirits. I needed some guidance because I just don’t have a clue as to how this is done. Some people believe it can’t be done, but I believe it can and so does Muffin. It especially intrigued me when she claimed that she has extracted these demons successfully in the past. I had never heard of this.

So I went on the show around the one hour mark and it started off sounding like it would be a smashing endorsement for a relationship with these spirits. However, as the interview progressed, the tone gradually changed and we began to uncover some things about my situation that had been nearly invisible to me up till that point.

I asked Monika how she perceived Catherine and she very honestly informed me that she looked like a classic succubus sex demon. I had always suspected as much, but I figured Catherine was of a more benign variety. Monika respectfully disagreed, claiming that there are no inherently virtuous qualities with these demons. Rather, the positive aspects of this relationship were likely to be entirely my own doing; my own work.

By this point in the interview, I was completely exhausted and my head was swimming. I haven’t listened to the episode yet, but I think I kept my composure fairly well. This sort of thing happened when I revealed the existence of Catherine to my best friend, John. Originally, I thought it was Catherine’s way of saying that I had revealed enough information; not that she didn’t want me to reveal anything at all.

Then, Monika pointed out to me that she couldn’t feel Catherine in my vicinity anymore. I found the same. I couldn’t feel her. This was very strange as I have been feeling her non-stop for the past two years whenever I turn my attention to her. Monika thought this was quite telling and I would soon find myself agreeing with her.

When I got off the phone and tried to go to bed, the psychic attacks began. Catherine was pissed and terrified. She had been scared for the entire week because of the impending interview. I originally thought it was simply my nerves, which didn’t make much sense because I’ve done plenty of public speaking in the past. She does NOT want the spotlight being shined on her… and if she really was an altruistic spirit, the extra attention shouldn’t have bothered her. That passage in the Gospel of John is ringing in my mind now: “But those who do what is true, come to the light so that their good deeds will be shown up.”

So I fought for every wink of sleep I got last night, which wasn’t much at all. She would jerk me awake whenever I got too comfortable. I also had massive cramping and energy flowing through my gut. I think she’s given up on trying to stimulate me sexually as I’ve managed to shut down that part of myself for the time being. But she’s putting massive pressure on my solar plexus and third eye. It’s really something else.

I had to get up and take a piss every fifteen minutes, making sleep even more unlikely. I ended up grabbing a bunch of my pets to sleep in bed with me and this lessened the attacks somewhat. I could feel her trying to wake up and annoy my dog who was lying right next to me. She didn’t seem to phase him much.

I got up this morning with a plan forming in my mind. I needed to tell as many people as I could manage; shine the spotlight as brightly as I could. Sunlight is the best disinfectant. I currently rent a room from my parents, so the first person I told was my mother. She didn’t seem surprised in the least, went into her bedroom and reappeared with an incense burner, white sage, essential oils, and a rock salt lamp.

“Here,” she said, as if this was the most normal thing in the world to her. “They’ll hate this stuff.”

Thankfully, these countermeasures do help to some degree. The white sage smells like absolute shit to me right now, but it’s starting to get better. Maybe that’s Catherine smelling it?

I never thought I would do this, but I told my father as well. The inevitable debate about Christianity ensued, but he did pray for me, which I appreciated. I gave my parents’ permission to inform the rest of my family, if at all possible. This might go a long way in explaining why I’ve kind of dropped off the radar for the past two years.

I know this is probably a big shock to a lot of you guys, but Catherine has revealed her true colors and I’m not going to rationalize that away. She assaulted me for asking questions and looking for help. I won’t tolerate that kind of behavior from anyone. This is the beginning of the end. Time for this thing to come full circle.

How to end a succubus relationship is on the agenda. A fitting conclusion to this tale, I think. I don’t expect this to be easy. It may take months, even years, to detach myself completely, but I’m not giving in and I’m not going to shut up about it.

For what it’s worth, I’m not saying that every spirit relationship is damaging or evil. I have simply reached the conclusion that mine, indeed, is. I have been bamboozled… again. Robert Bruce was right all along. I fucking hate it when that guy is right!

However, I would advise anyone seeking out a succubus relationship seriously consider what has been written here. I thought I made all the right persuasions when I started out.

If anyone else finds themselves being attacked because of what you have read here, I will do my best to help you and speak to your concerns as often as possible.

I am loved and I am worthy,
I am safe and I am free.
I am powerfully protected.
I am master of my body and ruler of my mind.

I have inverted the look of the site to reflect the inversion that I desire in my subconscious. I have also removed the sexy demon girl gallery for the same reason. Time to turn sex off for awhile.

Lilith’s Connection to Inanna

770px-British_Museum_Queen_of_the_NightThe Burney Relief, also known as the “Queen of the Night” relief, is of great significance to anyone interested in the context of Lilith in the ancient Mesopotamian culture. I agree with Richards assessment that this terracotta carving depicts Lilith, or Lilitu, as she was known before Judaism reinvented her.

The nude goddess being flanked by two owls is what convinces me that this piece is specific to Lilith and not just Inanna or Ishtar. Though as Richard mentions in his post, I also believe that Inanna/Ishtar are linked with Lilith/Lilitu.

Also, the fact that she is carved with four sets of horns crowning her head is a good indicator that Lilith was of considerable status in the Akkadian pantheon.

This is just my theory, but I feel that Lilith/Lilitu was demonized over time; starting with the Sumerians, then the Hebrews added her to their mythology, and today we have the modern Christian iteration we are all so familiar with.

Atheism

Becoming an atheist has been the most painful experience of my life thus far. I had to become an exile in order to reject the delusional beliefs of my youth. I wasn’t forced to leave. Far from it. Most Christians were glad to have me in their company, so long as I didn’t become too confrontational with them. However, there was a lack of any real bonding or kinship between myself and these people. The only thing that brought us together was this common-held belief in a fantasy. Fantasy and wishful thinking is no basis for any human relationship.

So I left the religious community. Now that I’m on the outside, I feel that I never really had a connection with these people to begin with. I wanted so much to love them but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. Again, I think the lies and delusion at the core of this normalized cult is what prevented that. Deep down, I think I knew that I was being swindled.

There is one thing I wish I had done differently before I made my exit from Christianity. I should have found another clan, a like-minded group of people, to integrate myself into. This is difficult to accomplish when the only people you know are Christian. Leaving the group is like starting life over from scratch, so I can understand why some people stay and keep their true beliefs secret.

This is my warning to anyone who desires to leave a religious community: Human beings need to be close to other humans. Being completely separated is psychologically destructive. Make solid ties with a like-minded group outside of the church before leaving. This is essential.

As it stands now, I have only one close friend who I can reach in-person. My family is still supportive of me, but we can’t truly connect as our beliefs are so radically different. I’m doing everything I can not to be a burden on my friend. I wish I had more regular contact with guys like him so we could just do stuff together, hang out, go exploring, and so on. I think it will be a long time before I can get to that point as I build a new life.

Depression is a big challenge for me. It has always been this way. Thankfully, I have been dealing with it less frequently since I abandoned the faith. I often had thoughts of hopelessness when I was deep into my religious instruction. Nothing was more painful than trying to believe those stories were true.

I remember what Jesus said to Thomas, the disciple who doubted him: “You believe because you have seen me. How happy are those who believe without seeing me.” In my experience, nothing could be further from the truth. There is nothing demonstrable about these claims.

I am embarrassed by how often and earnestly I prayed to the world’s most popular imaginary friend. The things I wrote… I sounded like a fucking fruitcake. All I can gather from these recorded prayers are the feral ramblings of an abused child, desperately pleading for companionship, understanding, and rationality.

Even now that I am almost completely alone, I am happier. Reality more closely resembles what I feel in my gut. I’m not surrounded by lies anymore.

Rationalizations

I touched on this briefly in the first few posts of this blog. I can clearly see my vain attempts to rationalize away the reason I desired a hot sexy demoness; trying to paint my ambition as a puritanical one. When I look at my first entries now, I can’t help but facepalm. But for the sake of honesty with myself and everyone who reads this, I’m not going to change a word of it. I believe my moments of idiocy are just as valuable as the more brilliant events of my life.

I can’t speak for the female experience, but as a man, I want to be desired by my lover. A couple of years ago, I was surrounded by women who were very much desiring, but I couldn’t ascertain if they desired me, the man, or simply what I could provide for them. I was clearly cut above the rest in my skill and competence. I believe the status and money-making potential is what these women truly desired. I’m not angry about this. I think it’s a very natural thing for a woman to want, as it ensures security for herself and future offspring. Still, I wanted to be more than a sperm donor and an ATM machine.

There were times that I wished I could fully awaken my inner-homosexual, as I felt that gay guys truly desired the person they sought after and not just the utility they could provide. There were a few men who were attracted to me, but I couldn’t honestly reciprocate those feelings. Maybe on a purely hedonistic level, I could help them out, but I would most certainly be cheating them out of the emotional connection they desired.

I had similar problems with women. Sure, I might be attracted to them physically, but I only had to look at the relationships that my friends and family experienced to see what the future would hold if I acted upon lust alone.

So what did I do to remedy this? I acted purely on lust and summoned a sexy succubus; a demon who is bonded to my soul, potentially for all eternity. That’s some show-stopping intelligent, right?

I can spin the rationalization hamster wheel as fast as it will go, but it all comes crashing down to this simply truth in the end: I wanted a companion who would only be a companion. I wanted to eat my cake and have it. I lusted after the impossible and against all odds, I got what I wanted.

Thankfully, there have been consequences to this relationship; just like any other. I would be massively concerned if this was easy. There has been plenty of learning and growing; much of it completely disconnected from the lessons common to human relationships. This is where the biggest challenge in a succubus relationship lies. There is no cultural precedent to fall back on for guidance. I’m almost completely on my own in this.

Also, I’ve got this invisible woman with me and her preferred language is intimacy and sex. She’s extremely vague on the details, but the power of our desire for each other completely overshadows that. Sometimes I wonder if I have signed a contract for my soul that I don’t know the terms to. When I die, will I continue to enjoy this relationship as I do now? Am I racking up an invisible karmic debt that will need to be repaid over a thousand lifetimes? I don’t know the answer to such questions and maybe I should be more concerned. These mysteries fail to keep me up at night as I’m always comforted by this beautiful presence against my back, touching my face, kissing me, and enjoying an undeniably loving connection.

I don’t think there will be any unforeseen consequences to my choice. I believe the drawbacks are already built into the relationship and I have no problem dealing with them. I’m glad I was courageous enough to go after what I truly wanted and not fall into the social normalcy of the human women looking to me for a marriage proposal.

This feels right for me. This is my kind of challenge; one where I can make the impossible look easy.